Some Important Information from the Department of Readiness

Subject: FW: Some Important Information from the Department of

The US government has a new
website,  It’s
another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old “duck and
cover” advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so
ambiguous they could mean anything!  Here are a few

If you have set yourself on fire, do not

If you
spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell
really loud.

If you
spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you
are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of
seeing a doctor.

Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1)
armless hand.

Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes,
run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard
symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on
the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub
their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob
while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible
with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become

After exposure to radiation it is important to
consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your

If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a
deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that

— If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni
on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms
akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen
by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do
not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding
from the hood.

one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack.
At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

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